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Time moves like molasses in a freezer

I hate waiting. I am an impatient individual that wants everything to happen now. Or earlier than now.

Waiting on a short sale to buy a condo was my personal hell as something that I wanted so badly took forever (then didn’t happen as I found a different place…that I did buy). On Mondays, I wait for the weekend not only for the respite from the office life, but for my favorite sports teams to take the field (this is additionally hard when the Bears or Manchester United shit the bed leaving an awful memory). In case you couldn’t tell, I really, really, really hate waiting.

Right now, I am dealing with what must be the fourth worst wait in the history of man. [As an aside, the top three worst waits for my money are: (1) The period of time between asking someone to marry you and their response, (2) Bar exam results and (3) The pregnancy test. Feel free to suggest your own]. For the last nine months, I’ve been engaged in oral, written and (nearly) hand-to-hand combat with an opposing counsel. Let’s just say that the word hate doesn’t accurately describe my loathing for this individual. At issue between us is a Motion for Summary Judgment and, in my non-humble opinion, my learned friend (who is neither learned nor a friend) lacks the necessary intellectual heft to win this motion.

After a long wait and many hours of working, the actual day of hearing came. The learned opposing counsel presented an amazingly sparse argument akin to ‘Nuh-uhhhhhhhh!’ I thoroughly refuted all points that had been raised while advancing multiple legal theories that vanquished my opponent’s attempt to win the day.

And damnit, I was dressed a hell of a lot better than my opposition.

The hearing drew to a close and I began to prepare myself for what I thought was a victory. The Judge began thanking us both for compelling briefs, well-thought out arguments and the typical bullshit that Judges tell to warring attorneys before crushing one of them. It’s at this time that the fourth worst wait begins: the time spent waiting for a judge to say who wins and who loses.

It’s a wait that can only be made worse by hearing exactly what this judge told us that day:

“I’ll take this matter under advisement and shall issue a written opinion in the next six weeks.”

I’m not sure what I hate more: waiting or losing. Making matters worse is that this judge may combine my two least favorite things into a single judicially administered benchslap. Right in time for Christmas.

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About thenambypamby

Lawyer in Chicago. I blog, I tweet, I try to stay anonymous.


6 thoughts on “Time moves like molasses in a freezer

  1. Ugh. Written advisement IS the worst. Fingers crossed for you.

    Posted by Fabulously Awkward | December 1, 2011, 12:05 pm
  2. Even before I saw where the rest of this post was going, I was going to add to the list Waiting for a jury verdict. Because unlike a judge, where you at least have a good idea of what he will think about, how he will write, and what your appellate options are even before he takes it under advisement, that jury disappears into the back and comes back with something forged in the fires of who knows what mountain. And unlike a judge who telegraphs his timeframe for decision, you don’t know if they are going to be back there for 10 minutes or three days. (And all that apprehension despite the fact that they really probably end up with the right decision more often than the bench.)

    Posted by Dies Irae | December 1, 2011, 12:46 pm
  3. That judge has a special spot in Legal Hell reserved for them.

    Posted by Marc | December 1, 2011, 7:25 pm
  4. I once spent over six months waiting for a ruling on a motion for SJ, only to have the clerk call and ask if the case was going to settle. I foolishly said not while my motion is pending, and promptly got a two sentence denial of the motion for because of unidentified “material facts in question.” I may have been young back then, but that was/is truly a jerk.

    Posted by Tom | December 1, 2011, 8:43 pm
  5. I too am terribly impatient. I wonder if the whole process of getting in and now (nearly) through with law school made me impatient or if one must already be inclined to impatience to migrate into this field. What do you think? Hurry up and answer already. ;-)

    Posted by LegalTrenches | December 14, 2011, 12:09 am


  1. Pingback: Legal Humor Roundup for December 1, 2011 | - December 1, 2011

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