Yet another reason to profile (Or how I learned to use self checkout at the grocery store)

Living in a metropolitan area where there are millions of people (not to mention thousands of registered, actively voting, deceased individuals) allows you to interact with people from all walks of life. There are two distinct areas where one comes face to face with the most oddball of oddballs: public transportation and the grocery store. Fortunately, as I am doing as I write this, I can crank up my iPod while tuning out my fellow travelers.

As you have no doubt figured out from my blog and twitter topics, I have little tolerance for morons. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t have a job if it weren’t for morons. That said, outside of the office, I try and stay far, far away from those with declined intellects and/or those suffering from the ineffective assistance of deodorant. That isn’t so much an option when navigating the aisles of the local supermarket.

This is why I humbly suggest you profile those around you before selecting a checkout lane. For example, these are the people you want to avoid:

• The guy that you see hopping from one side of the store to the other, much like he is under the influence of cocaine, will do the exact same thing while in line. Because he is likely under the influence of a controlled substance. Or he is stupid. But likely both.
• The couple that can’t make up their mind on EVERY SINGLE ITEM they attempt to put in their cart will take forever deciding who is going to pay. And then one will inevitably drop their credit card, the other will attempt to step in to pay and the cycle will then repeat itself.
• Lastly, there is the woman who seems just a bit off when you see her circling the aisles cautiously placing tofu and single ply toilet paper in her cart. When you run into this one at the cash register you will find that she has brought along her reusable grocery bags (which she has placed on the end of the conveyor belt thus denying the opportunity to unload) and 15 coupons (only half of which will work when scanned) for use on her 19 items. The reason she has nineteen items is that she has ‘buy one, get one’ coupons for her wide selection of cat food. In sum, cheap toilet paper and fake protein equals crazy coupon clipping cat lady.

I wanted to point these shopper profiles out to you as a lesson. Namely the lesson that teaches that when you decide to go grocery shopping at 8:30 on a Sunday night and there are 9 people in the self-checkout lane versus the three in the staffed checkout lane…stand in the longer line.

It’ll be quicker. Trust me.