Lawyer: Counselor, Confidant, Cash-Money Man

When I do a client intake, I’m never quite sure if I am going to sign up the next seven figure case or if I am going to be wasting my time. It typically these intakes are a coinflip as to whether or not the person will have a case. Some of them will be small value and not worth my time (usually I will spent a few minutes telling the person how to help themselves) and other people have those claims that would be great if their story didn’t end with ‘But I could have died!’ (Side note: The persons with these stories never like to be told that they would have a case if they had actually died.)

Every so often, however, you get the person so dumb that she should not be allowed to procreate. But as this is America and instead of trying to break free of their bonds of stupidity, they decide that it would be more prudent to talk to a lawyer without having any idea what they are speaking about:

Caller: Can you set up a structured settlement for me?
Me: I’m sorry?
Caller: I want to set up a structured settlement like the ones I see on TV.
Me: Well… do you have an ongoing claim against someone?
Caller: What?
Me: Are you presently suing someone for personal injuries?
Caller: Oh… no.
Me: Have you been hurt somehow?
Caller: Um. No?
Me: Why are calling again?
Caller: One of my friends told me that a lawyer can set up a structured settlement for me, so I called you.
Me: …
Caller: So, would you be able to help me set up this structured settlement?

If only I could…