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This is a cry for help

All problems can be cured by taking cellphones

Each day the commuting masses leave their abodes to make their respective ways to work. In Chicago, as I am sure is similar to all other major metropolis’ across the land, this requires the seasoned commuter to refrain from committing a justifiable homicide tolerate those who do not respect the rules of commuting decency. As more states are legalizing marijuana, I believe that the shortfall of arrests & convictions can be made up by locking away the assholes who do not exude a modicum of decency while traveling with the public.


I’m writing this post as I sit on a packed CTA bus as some teenage asshat is using his phone as a stereo to rap in sync with lyrics that can lightly be described as NSFW and it has been going on for more than twenty minutes. This is not the first time I’ve encountered this specific delinquent or this sort of offense. Worse, it seemingly is becoming a commonplace happening on the streets, buses and trains of Chicago and it is only the tip of the iceberg. Loud phone talkers in enclosed spaces are on the rise, game players with their annoying sounds turned on are frequently experienced and the sudden-stopper-while-in-mid-step due to phone activity pose a clear and present danger to the general public. Case in point: I run into someone on a daily basis who stops without warning to play with his or her phone.

And I’m the bad guy if I happen to push them down the stairs!

What’s most disconcerting is that this problem can’t be pinned on any one demographic (as such, no specific area of the city can be carpet bombed to rid the rest of us of the problem). As such, I am proposing the following amendments to the criminal code: (1) Minor noise infractions shall be punishable by not more than 364 days in jail and forfeiture of his/her cellular device, (2) major noise infractions shall be punishable by not more than five years in prison, forfeiture of his/her cellular device and (3) repeat offenders shall be subject to being pushed in front of oncoming car, bus or train traffic, indefinite detention in Guantanamo Bay’s Camp Delta, chemical sterilization, a lifetime ban with communicating with others AND forfeiture of his/her cellular device.

Our legislative bodies must do something to curb the rise of these heinous actions. If they aren’t going to fix the deficit, healthcare or John Boehner’s perpetual orangey skin color, the least they can do is make our commutes less problematic.

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About thenambypamby

Lawyer in Chicago. I blog, I tweet, I try to stay anonymous.


2 thoughts on “All problems can be cured by taking cellphones

  1. ….or the offending item is an Apple-y product, the corners (registered design) should be carefully sharpened and fitted to the offender trans-anally.

    Posted by Steve Taylor | November 14, 2012, 9:30 am
  2. You haven’t even begun to tackle the problem of assholes with huge golf umbrellas downtown when it is sprinkling/raining. YOU COULD TAKE SOMEONE’S EYE OUT.

    Posted by Daisy (@daisyJD) | November 14, 2012, 9:52 am

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