Warning: There is a smartass lurking in my office

I have just finished up several major projects and now I have been emboldened with the sense of accomplishment. To translate that into real person speak, I no longer have crushing stress raining down on me so I feel like I can use my time to make me laugh. Unfortunately, for those that interact with me, they may not find my asinine-ness funny. This is what I am talking about:

Caller: I am calling from Acme Major Insurance Company.
Me: (Interrupting) You must be very proud.
Caller: [silence]
Me: How can I help you?
Caller: I first need to inform you that this call may be recorded for my quality.
Me: I’ll try and not to swear at you too much.
Caller: What?
Me: I’ll behave myself on this call.
Caller. Oh. Well… I’m calling on the John Smith case and I show that you are the attorney of record.
Me: Unfortunately, I am no longer working on that case and it’s been transferred to another attorney in our office. Would you like me to pass on your message?
Caller: That would be great. My name is Frank. That’s spelled F-R-A-N-K…
Me: Is there another way to spell “Frank” that I am not aware of?
Caller: Um…uh… Not that I know of…

And on and on my behavior went. I was talking to one of my client’s who had a question for the partner on the case. I called that partner’s office to no avail so I started to wander around looking for him. I found him shooting the breeze with another partner. Unbeknownst to me, as clearly I am not important enough to be shared information, the partner really needed to talk to this client:

Me: I’ve got John Smith on the phone and…
Partner: What?!? [He began to sprint towards his office]
Other Partner: [Yelling after him] Tackle him! Don’t let him off the phone until he agrees!
Me: [Also yelling after him] Don’t tackle the phone! It didn’t do anything to you!!!

If I am not careful, I am going to get fired today.