I have recently reviewed your initial settlement demand with my client and we wish to respond with a counter offer. It must be noted that you delivered this settlement demand only after repeated prodding, harassment and a stern lecture from the court (and even then it was three weeks later). The following sets forth our reasoning for the offer. As always, we look forward to working with you to resolve this matter.
1. You do not have a case.
Despite your protestations to the contrary, yelling your position louder than me does not give it legal credence. In fact, it has lit a fire under my ass to find every single way to nail your client to the cross for a judicially-administered, ritual crucifixion. I know that you went to a Top 25 law school and you have been practicing for a few years longer than I have, but neither of these allow you to mystically create a cause of action.
2. Your client is a prick.
As mentioned above, a fire has been lit on my hindquarters inspiring my legal noggin to create amazing work product. This is in large part due to the fact your client was possessed by God knows while delivering a profanity laden tirade that saw him (1) besmirching my family name, (2) question the martial status of my parents and (3) invited my client to engage in anatomically impossible copulation techniques. That outburst was brought on by my provocative statement that, and I quote, “my client does not wish to settle at this time.”
3. My client doesn’t like you.
In addition to the personality quirks of you and your client as well as the lack of legal sufficiency in your cause of action, you have unfortunately threatened my client’s way of life. This pleases him not. If he had his way, he’d settle this with you and your client like men by requesting your presence in a dark alley while he is wielding a baseball bat. That said, he does not want to make these easy for you or your client. And he is willing to pay me to make your life as unpleasant as possible…like if you were in the back of a Volkswagen.
For the foregoing reasons, we respectfully submit our counter offer to your demand:
This settlement offer of a bunch of hot nothing will remain open for seventy-two hours. If you fail to accept this demand, we shall proceed to trial where we will kick the ever-living shit out of you, your client and your client’s cheap suit.
Very truly yours,
N. Pamby, Esq.