Wouldn’t you know, that’s exactly when the phone rang:

Partner: Namby, sorry to call you so late, I’m not bothering you am I?
Me: Nope. What can I do for you?
Partner: Oh. Ok. Well, I wanted to talk with you on the Smith Brief.
Me: Let me pull up my notes…and if I happen to start screaming or swearing, don’t worry, just know that either something really good or really bad just happened in the Hawks game.
Partner: I see.
Me: It’s overtime. You understand, right?

After saying that, I am 99% certain that this particular partner does not care for Hockey. Or any sports for that matter.

Oh well. (Go Hawks!)

Fun, right?

Picture if you will a husband on one side, a wife on the other and yours truly sitting in the middle copiously taking notes. That’s when the wheels start to fall off the case:

Opposing Counsel: The complaint states that you are making a claim for loss of consortium in this case. Is that correct?
Client: I don’t know what that means so I’ll defer to my lawyer on that… (I nod my head) Yes, yes I am.
Opposing Counsel: I’d like to ask you some questions about your home and married life. I don’t mean to embarrass you or your wife, but they go to the issue of your claims. As we’ve established, your wife’s accident happened in June. Before the accident, on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your marriage?
Client: [Looks at his wife, at me and then to opposing counsel] 5. No. 4. 4 and a half.
Opposing Counsel: After the accident, how would you rate your marriage?
Client: [Instantly] Two.
Opposing Counsel: In the six months before the accident, how often were you having sex?
Client: Um. Maybe once or twice.
Opposing Counsel: A week?
Client: No, I think that’s all we had prior to the accident.
Opposing Counsel: Oh. What about after the accident?
Client: In the six months immediately following or in the entire two years since the accident?
Opposing Counsel: How about both?
Client: We haven’t.

Blessedly, the deposition moves on to other fun topics such as housework and familial activities that don’t involve the bedroom. When it is all said and done, the damage is done and the elevator ride out of the opposing counsel’s office is like standing between the United States and the Soviet Union during the Cuban Missile Crisis. All I can hope is that they don’t start swinging at each other until after I am out of the elevator with them.

Got to love clients, right? (No?)

But first, a small recap of what went on last week.

After gathering family from around the world in one location, twelve months of planning finally paid off and a wedding was thrown. I’d like to think that it was a riproaring success as it ended in holy matrimony. Hopefully for those in attendance, they had an amazing time as well and will agree with my assessment. I’ll freely admit that the once the ceremony started until the reception ended, it flew by and all that remains is snippets of an amazing day. At this point I remember being introduced as married, I remember taking a ton of photos and I remember doing a dance when I found out that the Blackhawks were winning. I’m sure the rest of the night will come back to me.

We’ve not done much since arriving in paradise except sleep. Seems that working full time while planning a wedding can be a bit taxing on the human body. I slept for twelve hours last night. I haven’t slept that long in years. Also for the first time in years, I am not thinking about work whatsoever. There will be no client or partner emails that I will read on this trip. Furthermore, my employer has no way to get in contact with me. My only connection to the practice of law will be this blog (of which I hope to write a little more highlighting how we are dodging the rain and flood waters) and Twitter.

I bid you, dear readers, an adieu adios for now as the rain is letting up and an oceanside nap now beckons.

Exchanges like these leave me walking out of this partner’s office wishing I could pat him on his head, give him a shovel and let him go play in the sandbox while the adults in the office do the work.

Don’t take my words for it, take photographic proof:

I’d like to thank this individual for rushing onto the escalator before me and blocking my path to walk up the escalator, as I want to do when I am running late in the morning. Not only did his path to the escalator nearly cause me to fall; it then became a virtual impossibility to scale past him to continue on my journey towards my office. I was running late and those vital seconds probably cost me the ability slink into the office unnoticed by the staff.

As you can see, I’ve held strong opinions about ably bodied individuals using these contraptions to lug their materials from Point A to Point B. The only individuals that receive passes in using these things are Court Reporters. The rest of the populace should refrain from using these tools of death immediately.

There are several precursors to having these suggestions apply. First, you have to have a disputed matter regarding something minor where the worst that could happen is something relatively insignificant. A motion to compel will suffice, as the Court will likely remedy the situation by just giving the non-moving party time to respond and a stern talking to about being timely. Second, you need to have a responding attorney that is unmoved by a blustering and hysterical movant. Think of a poker player bluffing or a unflappable politician gladly embracing those that wish them ill. Third, you need the moving attorney to do the following:

• Adopt of a stern and judgmental tone. This must begin as soon as the two warring parties approach the bench. The contrast of a happy attorney versus a combative counselor is striking. It will begin the hearing on the appropriate wrong foot (and your opponent will be immediately on the defensive. Win!).
• Display Outrage at the Past (Trivial) Procedural Disputes the Case Has Endured. The suck filled attorney really has to show the court that they are outraged that they didn’t receive a fax “BEFORE THE CLOSE OF BUSINESS WHICH CLEARLY MEANS 5PM! I RECEIVED IT AT 6:23PM!!!” or “COUNSEL HAD THE GALL TO FILE THEIR RESPONSE ONE DAY LATE!” The more consternation the better as it really rubs everyone the wrong way AND makes them think that you think your shit smells sweeter than most.
• Never make eye contact with the other attorney. Their humanity cannot be acknowledged. Ever.
• Use the timeline of the case against the responding party. The issue before the court is likely that the non-moving attorney wants more time. We’ve all been there because we perpetually are procrastinating on matters, except, apparently the asshole presenting this motion. Be prepared to use every past moment of delay against the non-moving party at this juncture: “Seven months and three days ago, this ‘lawyer’ cancelled a deposition failed to reschedule within 48 hours. Despite his insistence that his wife was in the hospital, he never provided verification that justified this delay…And now he is demanding an additional two weeks to respond to my third supplemental requests for production of documents. This Court should not allow this outrage.”
• Refer to the physical heft of your motion. The Court really wants to remember that your simple motion to compel is four inches thick as you attached every email and letter you have ever had with the non-moving attorney. After all, size does matter.
• Look down and away, smirk and shake your head when your opponent is speaking. This argumentative strategy is especially effective when the responding party is stating his name or responding to a question from a judge.
• BONUS: Ignore basic professional grooming standards. The goal here is to channel the frumpy hermaphrodite. If the Judge can’t tell if you are a man or a woman, they will spend the entire time trying to figure it out.

If you follow this simple guide, you will come off looking like an asshole.

Please do not follow this simple guide. Ever.

2. If you have been in a serious accident and are on your way to the hospital, please do not commit a crime before arriving.

3. For the love of God, do not bother me if you’ve been convicted of insurance fraud.

Simple tips that I wish more clients heeded.

Partner: Good. You’re back. I wanted to let you know that I spoke with one of your clients this morning.
Me: Ok? Which one? Is everything all right?
Partner: Yes. Not to worry. It was Tom Smith. He wanted you to know that he received the memorandum, is reviewing it and will have his thoughts on it in the next day or so.
Me: I…ah…don’t have a client named Tom Smith.
Partner: You don’t?
Me: Nope.
Partner: He sure seemed to know you.
Me: Odd. Did he give you a number where he can be reached?
Partner: 312-555-1234
Me: That’s the phone number for Dawn Jones. Who is my client. And is also a woman.

Maybe this explains why so many things are screwed up around here.

I mean, feigning ignorance of the situation.

The call came about 12 minutes before the court hearing. I hadn’t planned on being in the halls of justice today, so I was not appropriately groomed or attired when I picked up the phone. No matter, this was an ‘emergency’ and a ‘warm body’ was needed and not to worry, ‘nothing major was happening in the case so it will be rather simple.’ At the utterance of those words, I knew I was going to be in an uphill battle from the moment the judge asked that I come forward. Nonetheless, I went. And, predictably, it was boring. Not.

Counsel, I’d for you to explain to me why you think you can ignore a handful of prior orders and think I will do nothing. Tell me why I shouldn’t find you in contempt.

A couple of years ago, I would have likely stammered a little bit, had a blank stare and probably started responding with something eloquent like “Wha-ha-happened was…” but I am now a little more seasoned in dealing with adverse situations. Thus, a slight smile and conciliatory tone was needed:

Your Honor, I can understand your frustration with this case. As I said when I stepped up, I am standing in the stead of the attorney of record. I don’t even know if I am the Plaintiff or the Defendant. What I would suggest, and I believe that opposing counsel agrees with this, why don’t you give us a little more time. With a simple caveat, if your order is not complied with you can take lead counsel out and beat him with a stick. Knowing the lawyer as I do, he needs proper structure to ensure his compliance with simple, judicially required tasks…

After a little more banter, the Judge decided against corporal punishment as well issuing me a contempt citation. Turns out my approach to this mess allowed the partner and his client to survive for another day. For me, I consider this court hearing a victory as I got the judge and opposing counsel to laugh in open court.

That’s what matters right?