Picture if you will it being two in the morning and you are in a deep slumber. It’s precisely at this moment you wake up to the sounds of something being pounded into the wall. It’s two in the freaking morning meaning that no person in their right mind is actually using a hammer at the moment…except that’s exactly what it sounds like. If you are me, you continue to lie there to figure out what in the hell is happening and of course, the noise stops.
Then it starts again which leads me to decide if (1) I should get out of bed, disarm the security system and go pound on his door to tell him to stop it OR (2) I should stay in my warm bed and without disturbing the wife send a very strongly worded email. Because I’m tired and I have to work the next day and I don’t want my sleeping wife to wake up and tell me to go yell at him, I choose the email option. Choosing this option, however, doesn’t mean that the email writes itself. Draft one simply was “What the f**k is that noise? Stop it!!!!” which was going to be followed by me stomping my foot on the ground but that wouldn’t work so well. Draft two was a little more substantive:
It sounds as if you are hammering something into the wall at this very moment. Imagine my surprise when I looked at the time to see that it is two in the morning and realized that you have waited to do this exactly at the moment I have chosen to sleep. Please remember that like I said when I first met you, I am a lawyer and that requires me to sleep ever so little so I can the energy to suck the souls out of the weak and powerless. I humbly request that you do not interrupt my sleep so that I can be the best soul sucker at my firm. Thanks.
I deleted that draft when it dawned on me that it is now 2:30 in the morning and humor is not what I should be going for in this email. The noise started again so I do what any normal person would do in my stead: I laid down on the ground and put my ear to the floor to see if I could hear any more detail of what in the actual f**k was going on fifteen feet below me. No luck. The noise stopped almost as quickly as it started and so, back into bed I go to draft yet another email missive to the noisy neighbor:
Dude: It’s after 2am. I can’t tell if you’re having sex or just using a hammer. I hope that you are actually not engaging in home improvement because I cannot think of a rational reason for you to be making that noise at this time. Please consider your neighbors above and below you. Thanks.
There it is, the perfect email. Now, I just want to wait until I hear the noise again to send it…. In a surprise to no one, I fell asleep before I could send the damn email. Thankfully the sounds below did not return.